The Power of Pure Joy

Rehearsal for the 2000 Academy Awards with the great Robin Williams and my pal Dani Parish Rubin

As the news of Robin Williams’ devastating passing continues to flood our social media feeds and international news outlets, I can’t help but think it seems silly to post a popsicle recipe when all I really want to do is be sad and think on this.

Hands down, one of the best, most joyous and gleeful days of my life was the day I spent in rehearsal with him for the 2000 Academy Awards. That look on my face above- I pretty much looked like for the duration of the rehearsal. He had a way, and I’ve never seen anything like it. I was absolutely awestruck and filled with childlike amazement. Only a spirited, wise, and enigmatic soul like his could take us (the entire cast and crew working on the “Blame Canada” production number) from a rehearsed kickline directly into an impromptu evangelical sermon that literally had us on our knees yelling Amen at the top of our lungs only to find ourselves following along in a Conga line around the rehearsal studio. I smiled continuously for so long that my cheeks literally stung with pain. But I didn’t care- it was one of the most wonderful moments I have experienced- all and entirely induced by the infectious power of his beautiful and joyous soul. A true treasure, we will never know a spirit quite like his, he is and was a thing to behold. I love the words that Jason Alexander wrote, “Ah Robin, I’m so sorry the earth couldn’t stay worthy of you. Hope happiness awaits you.” 

The way in which he left us will forever be sad and confusing to many. It is a subject close to my heart as I lost a dear friend the same way. Depression is such a messy and tragic disease as it so often leaves us with loose ends while taking our loved ones away- not just from us but from the world. Their gifts, their joy can no longer exist but for in our memories, hearts, photos, videos and of course in celluloid (thank God for that) in Robin Williams’ case. But for the world to be deprived of these souls here that produce so much life force, exuberance, love and laughter- that is the true loss. That and that precious life- gone. It’s hard to wrap your head around. Especially hard when faced with the facts that these souls have “chosen” to take their own lives.

I use “chosen” in quotes here because while I’m no psychiatrist, I don’t think it’s quite as easy as that. For those that commit that final act, I believe it’s not that it’s a choice as much as it’s a necessity. I am thankful that I have never suffered from severe depression so I cannot begin to truly understand or empathize with those that do but I have had first hand experiences with people in my life that I love dearly having taken their own lives and have spent much of my life reading about and trying to understand this disease.

It leaves one rudderless, confused and heartbroken. But ultimately, it’s not about us and anyone with a brain knows that suicide is not a selfish act. Depression is a disease like cancer or Alzheimer’s. I liken it more to alcoholism though which is also a disease but is rarely treated as such. Sure there is a “choice” made here when those die of alcoholism or suicide but it’s not so cut and dry. Brain chemistry and emotion can be a tricky combo. When the elements align themselves just so, it can be a recipe for tragedy but I don’t believe it’s ever selfish. It’s just not that simple.

I don’t mean to harp on this matter, but it is something that deeply bothers me when people comment that “suicide is cowardly” or they “can’t understand how anyone could do that”, etc. That’s just it. We CAN’T understand it because we are not at this moment in our lives severely depressed and battling emotions and brain chemistry that are not on our life’s side.

So what now? Awareness. Awareness and appreciation and memory of our dear ones. Let their big and beautiful spirits help us dictate the way we walk through life and let’s put our efforts towards not losing another to this awful disease. I’ll never live down that I was not there for my dear friend who took his life, that I wasn’t more involved and more in the know. We didn’t live in the same state and had busy lives sure, but isn’t that always the case? Everybody’s busy. I wasn’t paying close enough attention. Were there warning signs? I don’t know. Maybe. I won’t ever know but his death taught me to take depression seriously and to pay close attention to those we love and that whether we fully understand it or not is really besides the point.

Live and let live and in Robin William’s case, we now live and let die- peacefully, beautifully and with endless inspiration. He filled our worlds with hope, love and laughter, taught us to seize the day, pay attention to the world and care with an acute sensibility. The power of his joy and light is an incredible gift. Let us be worthy and do the same.

Rest in Peace great soul.

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